February 20, 2016 by Joey Keogh
WWE‘s worst-titled Pay-Per-View is upon us yet again! Prepare the car crash memes! Fastlane, or WWE Fastlane as they are insisting on calling it, is being sold to us using a photograph of Eva Marie with minimal cleavage on show, so you immediately know they’re really going all out for this one. I don’t want to piss anyone off any more than I already have, but I can’t sell this one too much because it would kill my already black soul. With that in mind, let’s take a look at what’s to come tomorrow night:
United State Championship Two-out-of-three Falls Match: Kalisto (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio
Minimal heat and build-up for this one, even though Kalisto winning the title on RAW (only to lose it on Smackdown that very same week) was pretty cool. Not amazing, but a welcome change to the usual, predictably dull proceedings. ADR has been sleep-walking through his return, botching moves and generally acting like he couldn’t give a shit even when there’s a championship on the line. If this is done properly, it could sell the US belt as something to be coveted. More likely, it’ll be yet another RAW calibre match that has no place being on a PPV, the rematch of which we’ll have to suffer through the following night regardless.
Predicted winner: Kalisto to retain
Divas Championship Match: Charlotte (c) vs. Brie Bella
Hopefully the rumours about this being Brie’s last match are true because lord help us otherwise. Charlotte deserves better than this. Hopefully it’s a five-minute deal to send the lesser Bella off in style. If the title changes hands here – to someone who can’t even sell kicks correctly – I quit.
Predicted winner: Charlotte to retain (or we riot)
6-Man Tag Team Match: Ryback, Big Show and Kane vs. The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper, Erick Rowan and Braun Strowman)
It sucks that everyone is injured. It also sucks that the Wyatts aren’t afforded a proper push. That’s all.
Predicted winner: Who cares, honestly?
Divas Tag Team Match: Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks vs. Naomi and Tamina
I’m beyond stoked for a three-way Divas championship match at Wrestlemania, which is hopefully where this whole Becky/Charlotte/Sasha angle is headed. Divas tags aren’t usually the best way to showcase the talents of the women involved, but this one has the potential to be something different, if not exactly life-changing. All things considered, having two women’s matches on the card is something to celebrate. Even if one of those matches includes Brie Bella.
Predicted winners: Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks
AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho
A late addition that has the potential to be a major highlight of the night, this is arguably the most interesting bout on the entire card. Styles has been killing it since his début at the Rumble and Jericho is the master of putting people over (not that it’s needed in this case necessarily, though certain fans probably still need some convincing of Styles’s prowess). Expect serious fireworks from these two. If they don’t steal the show, it’ll be a damn shame.
Predicted winner: AJ Styles
Intercontinental Championship Match: Kevin Owens (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
Owens just stole the championship back to allow Ambrose to focus fully on his Wrestlemania Main Event bid, but Ziggler is hardly a good substitute for the mighty Lunatic Fringe. In his current incarnation, he’s little more than an irritatingly omnipresent jobber, dressed like a Motley Crue roadie, who has more story-line potential on Total Divas than he does on the actual wrestling shows. If Owens doesn’t retain here, Fastlane will really be a piece of shit.
Predicted winner: Kevin Owens to retain
Triple threat match to determine the #1 contender for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania 32: Dean Ambrose vs. Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar
Ambrose is the #1 contender, and a match with he and Trips at Wrestlemania has the potential to be one for the ages. Unfortunately, he’s too weird to really be a top guy and will therefore, along with Lesnar, carry Reigns through this match to a triumphant, not at all earned, victory. If you’re already sick of Reigns, prepare yourself, because it’s about to get a whole lot worse. If you like him, it may be time to change your medication. All we can hope for is that the rest of the show is miraculously brilliant, so this inevitable ending doesn’t sting so bad.
Predicted winner: Dean Ambrose (if only – it’ll be Reigns, obviously)
Catch Fastlane on LIVE on the WWE Network, Sunday, 21st February at 8E/5P. Stay tuned to Gorilla Press for our report immediately after the show.