October 6, 2015 by Joey Keogh
This week opens, as all RAWs should, with the god among men that is Paul Heyman waxing lyrical about how his client BRAHC LESNUR kicked ass last night, and at Wrestlemania last year and at Summerslam this year and basically everywhere else he’s featured in the intervening months. Lesnar is set to kick Taker’s butt (again) at Hell In A Cell, a place he considers to be “the lair of the beast”, in just a few weeks. Heyman’s line about it being a spoiler, rather than a prediction, still hits hard and, even though Big Show comes out to ruin all the fun, suffering a Belly To Belly and an F5 after taunting Lesnar for supposedly losing to Taker at SS, this is still a stronger opening than tonight’s show deserves. In fact, it almost would’ve made more sense to save Heyman’s segment until the end, to give us something to look forward to.
First up tonight is a 6-man tag because someone on the writing staff is really hard for those at the moment. Orton, Reigns and Ambrose take on the Wyatts in a bout that is so long it survives two commercial breaks. Reigns wins it for his team, naturally, after everyone else has done all the work. He cuts a promo, the main gist of which is “BELIE DAT”. Chilling. Immediately after, Sheamus cuts a rousing promo, almost as a direct stab at him, about how Bostonians should stop pretending to be Irish. “Speaking of leprechauns…” he intones as he sets himself up to destroy Neville. He does, in about twenty seconds, after King Barrett maybe distracts him.
D.O.O Kane is in a foot cast because, as you probably gather, he and the demon Kane are two completely separate entities. This cannot end well, seriously. I don’t like where they’re going with this. He wants to be Rollins’ partner in a tag match later, since Show is now indisposed. Rollins does his evil villain laugh and is all “no”, causing Steph to show up and mediate by way of giving them an opportunity to face each other at HIAC. However, if Kane, any kind of Kane, loses then Kane will be fired. Throughout, Kane is looking at her so innocently, as though to say “but what am I supposed to do? I can’t control the demon” He also gets to be Rollins’ partner later after all. Rollins goes to Pa for help but is given only a flowery Pinterest quote for his trouble.
Paige and Nattie face off in the first of two women’s matches tonight (yay!). It isn’t bad overall; the pace is good, there are some cool spots, the crowd are into it and they get enough time in that it’s not offensively short. The end comes when Paige taps out of a Sharpshooter. Up next, Kevin Owens makes quick work of Sin Cara because apparently these two are feuding after something that happened on Smackdown. Ryback shows up after, en route to the buffet. Backstage, The New Day interrupt Steph mid-Tweet and find themselves facing The Dudleyz at the PPV as a result. That’s what you get for trying to spread the joy (just ask Bo Dallas).
Speaking of The Dudley Boyz, they’re up against Rollins and Kane in a fast-paced, yet ludicrously complicated tag team match that, at one point, sees Rollins handcuffing his opponent to the ring post. He escapes and then injures himself in the process. The introduction of a table leads to a DQ, but suddenly Kane reappears in his disco garb and eats a 3D as a result, as payback for, again, something related to that other show nobody watches (catch it this week to see Reigns and Orton fight the Wyatts! Again!). Rollins tries to put him through the table but, naturally, he ends up going through it instead.
Out in the parking lot, the Divas have some sort of bitch fight over a hat that spills into the ring as Team Bella take on Team BAD in yet another 6-man (woman?) tag. Sasha is super over in her adopted home town, but there isn’t nearly enough of her in this match. And there’s way too much Brie (though one kid has a sign that reads “Brie You Inspire Me” so I guess she must be happy, at least). Some lively smack-talking kicks things off nicely but, really, it’s Nikki, Foxy and Sasha who come off best here. Team BAD steal the win. Backstage, Renee asks Charlotte about her upcoming title match at the PPV. Becky, as per usual, is not allowed to speak.
With a view to wasting as much time as humanly possible on this mammoth, three-hour show, a segment celebrating the love of Summer Rae and Rusev follows, after which she proposes marriage to him. He reluctantly accepts, but with the caveat that he needs to have a belt first (we’ve all used that excuse, buddy). This is dumb as hell, but considering the weakness of tonight’s card overall, it’s a welcome distraction that thankfully doesn’t involve Cena shilling Susan G. Komen for ten fucking minutes. Speaking of Cena, his invitational is the Main Event tonight, so he’s using his Bahstan accent to get himself over. Ziggler’s music drops but it’s The New Day who appear, dragging his lifeless corpse after them.
On a show that featured, among other things, a lengthy Ryback promo that borrowed the score from Shutter Island and a twenty-second Kevin Owens match, this is perhaps the coolest moment of the night. It’s just so evil and funny, especially with Xavier Woods quipping to Cena; “Is this serious enough for you?” After ditching Ziggler on the ramp, it’s Big E who takes on the Man With The Hand for the title. It’s kind of cool, because E is so much bigger than Cena, but the match is otherwise same ol’, same ol’ with some tricky spots here and there. E eats the AA after attempting to hit Cena with his buddy’s trombone, meaning he retains.
Immediately afterwards, the rest of The New Day crowd the ring to beat the shit out of Cena, only for Ziggler to limp down to save him. And then the Dudleyz show up and clean house but Devon succumbs to The Midnight Hour as a result, setting up perfectly their title match at Hell In A Cell. Much like the opening, it’s a stronger finish than this episode deserved. RAW may be in a serious filler stage at the moment (thanks a lot, FOOTBALL) but at least it’s intermittently entertaining. And, for the moments when it isn’t, just remember: The New Day will be back soon to make everything all better.