April 14, 2015 by Joey Keogh
Following last week’s rather disjointed episode, RAW rolls all the way across the pond to London, England where, predictably, John Cena is chosen to open the show to a humongous amount of heat. The entire O2 is singing that he sucks, with just one, very loud fellow yelling that he doesn’t (if you listen closely, you can hear him for the whole show, constantly screaming inane rubbish). Hey, what does Cena mean “sometimes” London doesn’t like him? He hasn’t had a good reception here since that one lad left One Direction. That was a while ago, right? It feels like forever. The crowd pop for his suggestion that perhaps, one day, Wrestlemania could find a home here, but before he can get into it he’s issued his challenge again and a Brit has turned up to take him up on it.
US Open: John Cena vs. Bad News Barrett
Considering this is his home turf, there really should be more of a reaction for Barrett, but never mind, anyone could be more over than Cena here, even if the crowd went completely silent. “I haven’t done anything yet” he says modestly, at the top of the ramp, advancing slowly. He must have said some stuff during the commercial break too, because when we return he’s waiting on the apron for the match to begin. The two immediately lock up, with Cena taking the lead easily from the outset. But Barrett is on home soil tonight and he is fired up as a result, hitting a big boot and a rad flying elbow from the apron to the outside. Cena responds with a boring ol’ dropkick, subsequently scoring his first near fall with a crossbody. Barrett manages to pin him several times but, let’s face it, we know he’s never winning this and pretty soon he’s falling victim to the STF and we’re all nodding off a bit. He manages to hit both the Winds Of Change and the Wasteland, before landing a Bullhammer but Cena dodges his attempt to hit another and seals the deal with the AA. Immediately following the match, Lana shows up to demonstrate how her accent has got even thicker in her absence, and Rusev crawls up behind Cena and whacks him with a chain. Turns out their Extreme Rules match for the title is going to be a Russian chains match. JBL correctly asserts that we haven’t seen one of those in a while. That’s correct, because they suck.
Winner: John Cena
Divas Battle Royal for #1 Contendership
The Bellas are on commentary, and that goes about as well as you might expect, with Nikki managing to get a few digs in here and there but nothing really to write home about. Brie still can’t walk in heels, though, which is pretty amusing (more so than anything that comes out of her mouth, at least). The fans pop massively for their home-girl Paige, and it’s pretty obvious from the get-go that she has this in the bag. Rosa manages to eliminate both Summer Rae and Nattie, before being chucked out herself by Emma. Foxy then gets rid of her and teams up with Cameron to try to oust Paige. Naomi hits the Rear View on both of them, eliminating Cameron in the process as Paige takes out her buddy. They struggle on the apron for a bit, desperately clinging to the second rope (ladies can’t be trusted to go over the top) before finally the Brit takes the win. She then gives a lovely speech about being home and what it means to her, only for Naomi to interrupt and deck her. Word on the street is Paige is starring in a movie with The Miz so enjoy her now because soon she’ll be gone forever (or at least for a while). Bray Wyatt cuts a pre-recorded promo after the match, during which he’s dressed and acting like he’s auditioning for a part in Game Of Thrones. And not in a good way.
Tag Team Match: Lucha Dragons vs. The Ascension
Remember when The Ascension were kind of a big deal? Well, they’re jobbing to the Dragons now so they don’t even get an entrance anymore. Try to put that into perspective. Considering how terrible the tag team division is right now, why not put the goddamn matadors in this position? At least then The Ascension might still seem like a viable concept. Anyway Kalisto steals the show here yet again, showcasing his insane, gravity-defying agility while the two Illuminati dudes do a pretty decent job of selling the fuck out of whatever moves he hits. In fairness to Sin Cara he dives through his partners legs, and the second rope, to the outside in a cool spot of his own. Kalisto still wins it for them, though, with the Salida Del Sol followed by a classic senton.
Winners: Lucha Dragons
It’s revealed that Fall Out Boy are doing the theme song for Extreme Rules. This is unrelated news to anything else in this recap, but it still must be noted. The world is ending and we now know who Wyatt is referring to in his promos; Petey Wentz. Terrifying. Booker is in the ring with Reigns, who gets some heat as he enters but still manages to make a few marks’ nights with a fist bump or a graze of the knuckles, as it were. A “Suplex City” chant ensues and he good-naturedly responds “Yeah I went there”, kicking off a decidedly Cena-esque promo, during which he pontificates about how he didn’t really lose at WM. Show turns up on the Titantron to continue a feud nobody cares about and soon the two are brawling at the top of the ramp, with Reigns being thrown into a prop London taxi for good measure as the crowd screams at Show to “please retire” (well, at least they’re polite). He finishes by choke-slamming Reigns on the roof and then Cole wanks over the replay because, evidently, footage of wrecked props turns him on. Oh, Cole is back. I would’ve mentioned it sooner but I was too busy banging my head against a brick wall – or bashing it against a taxi #LOL!
Randy Orton vs. Cesaro
Tonight, Orton and Rollins are competing in singles matches to determine who gets to pick the totally mental stipulation for their upcoming title match at the PPV. As Orton is up first, it seems pre-determined that he’ll take the victory and choose it. However, things quickly go awry when Cesaro gets himself eliminated due to outside interference, leading Kane to show up and declare the match a 2-on-1 handicap so that Orton really has to take a beating to win. And win he does, following some respectable tagging from Cesaro and his partner Tyson Kidd, who take turns hurting him but still don’t manage to pin his ass. The end comes, predictably, with an RKO – but not, as Cole suggests, out of nowhere.
Winner: Randy Orton
Backstage, Rollins cuts a promo with his security team and Kane about how he’d rather face a blatantly terrified Jamie Noble than Dolph Ziggler later on tonight. They can’t take any chances, he reasons, and with the bosses still away on vacation, it’s up to Uncle Kane to either take the hit or choose someone else to. At this suggestion, Kane refers to attaching Noble’s “testicles” to a car battery but don’t worry, that’s not really going to happen because it’d be much too exciting. Instead, he’s going to lie down for Rollins and then all will be right with the world once more.
Adam Rose vs. Dean Ambrose
Adam Rose is still alive, which is great because otherwise those people would have nobody to dance around. Hey, remember that gnarly bump Ambrose took at Wrestlemania? Well he took more on Smackdown, hence why he hasn’t shown up in a while. He’s all healed now, though, and out for blood, dominating easily in what is an otherwise pitiful squash match. Ambrose deserves better than this. It’s difficult to tell whether he’s actually mad or just playing it up, because let’s face it he always looks that way, but it’d be understandable if he was. He takes the victory with a clothesline followed by the Dirty Deeds.
Winner: Dean Ambrose
Kane is trying to call his Da when Show turns up to encourage him to just do it, like that famous Adidas campaign. The fans are “woo”-ing out of boredom. Later, his old tag team partner Daniel Bryan shows up to encourage him to do the exact opposite. Now Kane is conflicted. But it’s difficult to tell because he only really has one facial expression.
Stardust vs. Fandango
Fandango is still alive too! Hooray! He doesn’t get an entrance, but he does get Rosa, who has found time to change outfits since her earlier appearance. Stardust wins after about ten seconds, with a flying dropkick from the top, after which Fandango has a good grope of himself, dumps Rosa on the spot and then leads the entire crowd in a rendition of his classic entrance theme as he dances erotically on the announce table, and later the barricade. Those lucky, lucky fans.
Seth Rollins vs. Kane
The UK crowd is kind of hot for Rollins – we definitely ain’t in Texas no mo’, son – and even he seems kind of surprised by it. Not so much Kane, who emerges in a full suit and tie and then takes his sweet time removing it all. He squares up to Rollins, who yells at him to lay down, which he duly does, the crowd booing the hell out of him, only to kick out at two, leading to raucous cheers. He decks Rollins and then lines up to do it again but instead chokeslams him after much goading to lie down again. Eventually, though, he succumbs and drags Rollins’ unconscious body over his for a three-count.
Winner: Seth Rollins
The Miz vs. Damien Mizdow
Last week on Smackdown, Miz made Mizdow shake his hand and apologise, which he did by blind-siding him, chucking him out and stealing Summer Rae for a quick Hollywood smooch. It’s she who accompanies him to the ring tonight as he sizes up his former employer for a quick beat-down. These two are clearly being set up for a match at the PPV so perhaps they should stop fighting elsewhere until then? Just a thought.
Winner: Damien Mizdow
The Prime Time Players appear next in a quick, albeit totally hilarious, pre-recorded promo making fun of the matadors, complete with a giant, multicoloured teddy bear. Elsewhere, Naomi tells a bemused Byron that it’s all about her. Hey, maybe it will be now that AJ and Paige are gone.
Ryback vs. Luke Harper
These two heavies lock up right away, the bout quickly descending into an all-out brawl that would’ve hit a lot harder had it showed up much earlier in the night. The fans are pretty hot for The Big Guy, even if they do chant “CM Punk” at him (the only respectable time to do so, in fact). Harper gets disqualified for taking apart the announce table, but soon Ambrose rushes in to tackle him in their never-ending fight over who wore it best.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Neville
Given he was screwed out of a match earlier, Ziggler pulls a Cena by issuing an open challenge to the entire roster. Geordie hotshot Neville, who’s been killing it over the past few weeks, indulges him in a fast and furious Main Event match that would’ve been allotted more time if only Orton and Rollins didn’t have more to…discuss a bit later on. As is expected, the spots are crazy, particularly a gnarly top rope moonsault to the outside and a 450 from the barricade that should’ve broken the necks of both men. Ziggler wins it with the Zig Zag. Suddenly, Sheamo turns up to Brogue Kick the two of them and yell “Fellaaaaaa” a lot because he’s a thing again.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
It’s EXTREME DECISION time. But what’s so extreme about it? Does it have a rocket attached to its butt? Rollins is limping pretty badly but luckily he has a big ol’ La-Z-Boy chair to sit in that he refuses to get out of even when Orton shows up and starts a battle of wits. Their stipulations are pretty dull and predictable; Rollins bans the RKO, and Orton wants the action to take place in a steel cage so there won’t be any outside interference. It’s dragged out massively for no apparent reason, but naturally once it all kicks off it’s poor Mercury and Noble who take the bumps as Rollins flees just in time to escape an RKO.
A weird end to a weird RAW that came off a bit better than it had any right to thanks to the reliably hot London crowd. There’s just one more episode before Extreme Rules so it’s anyone’s game, really. As long as your name is Roman Reigns, obviously.
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